I wouldn't be the woman I am today, without every thing I have gone through in my past. I have become s stronger, better woman because of it. When kids at school made fun of me or called me names, I learned to build up tolerance of others. When I didn't have the coolest, name brand clothes, I learned to create my own style, and develope my own personality. Everytime I got dumped by a boyfriend, I learned what I liked and didn't like in a guy. When I took certain classes in school, I learned more about what I was good at in life, and what just wasn't my forte. When I married an abusive husband, I learned what a marraige was not supposed to be,and what love is not. When I chose to pick up that first drug, I learned what years of drug abuse can do to your life. When I place my children with my sister, I learned the heartbreak that only a mother can feel. When, I lost friends. I learned what it was like to be alone. When my family distanced themselves from me, I felt isolated. When I left My husband , I felt free. When I reunited with family, I felt loved again. When I put the drugs down, I felt liberated. When I met my boy friend of 5yrs now, I finally new true love. When I reuinted with my children, I felt whole. So it may take a bulldozer to tear you down, but each time you go through something hard, or painful,someone is throwing another brick, and you learn something from it. Don't let tose bricks go to waste. Use them, build your self up, get up from the gutter, use your strength, and build that foundation you need to have a sucessful life. And remember ....Love never fails!
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Another part ofmy life I don't get into much is the physical violence that went on during my marraige to my childrens father. Evertime I hear the songs "Love the Way You Lie", by Eminem & Rhianna, I describes exactly what I went through. It describes, the cyle of abuse, and why it so hard for many woman to leave. I am just fortunate that I got away before my end was death. Many woman don't leave unless it is in a body bag, and that is a sad fact. We need to be talking about this more. We need to be in peoples bussiness more. If my neighbors had stepped in more, I may have gotten away before I did. If you are involved in a domestic violence situation...GET OUT NOW!!!
I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it It was dark and I was over Until you kissed my lips and you saved me My hands, they're strong But my knees were far too weak To stand in your arms Without falling to your feet But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true And the games you play, you would always win, always win But I set fire to the rain Watched it pour as I touched your face Let it burn while I cry 'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name When laying with you I could stay there, close my eyes Feel you here, forever You and me together, nothing is better 'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win But I set fire to the rain Watched it pour as I touched your face Let it burn while I cried 'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name I set fire to the rain And I threw us into the flames Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that That was the last time, the last time Sometimes I wake up by the door Now that you've gone, must be waiting for you Even now when it's already over I can't help myself from looking for you I set fire to the rain Watched it pour as I touched your face Let it burn while I cried 'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name I set fire to the rain And I threw us into the flames Where I felt somethin' die 'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh Oh, no Let it burn, oh Let it burn Let it burn [ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/set-fire-to-the-rain-lyrics.html ] I have mostly been speaking to you about my present, today I want to share more of my past. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried to cure myself with sex and alcohol while in high school, as I got older ther was more sex, alcohol, and added drugs into the mix. What I have failed to mentioned was the numerous attemps at suicide. I have written thousands of suicide letters, thought about my death many, many times, and acted upon it dozens of times. Only twice did I end up in the hospital, so to my family and friends reading this most of this will come as a shock. Well all of my attempts have been overdoses. Pills are a dangerous weapon to me. I can remember my earliest attempt being as early as 7th grade. My parents were divorced, I didn't have that great of a relationship with any of my parents, I didn't have that many friends, I was picked on constantly in school...and I didn't see the reason to go on. I walked into the bathroom, found a bottled of pills, and took all of them. I don't know what they were, whose they were, all I know is that I got sleepy. But I woke up the next morning! For awhile I saw that as a sighn that I was supoosed to live. There was a purpose for me, but that feeling would never last long. I would have attempted suicide many more times before I left high school.
After high school, I really got depressed. I felt like I had no purpose in life. This time my attemp at suicide may have worked if only my roommate hadn't of come home. I was rushed to the hospital where they saved my life. I was more depressed than ever. I bounced around from home to home for a while, then my answer was to marry the first guy that said he loved me. I did, three weeks after I met him. I don't know today if it was love, lust, or a way out. I just wanted a change, and thought he was it. Little did I know what was to come. I started getting high and stayed that way until 6 months later when, SURPRISE! I'm Pregnant!!! That is about the time he started to become abusive to me. I gave up on suicide atemptes for a while, I thought my purpose on earth was to change this man, and have a perfect family. He dragged me down, further and further until I felt worthless, and just didn't give shit anymore about myself, the kids, or anything. All I wanted to do was die. So I would do so many drugs that I would hope that the next one would be the final one. I wanted them to kill me. I was dissapointed to wake up in the morning. During that time the kids did go to live with my sister, I was no good for them, their father was no good to them or me. They needed to be in a better home. Finally a day came when he was gone from my life and I felt freedom for the first time in my life. But I had been drug down so far he still had this control over me. It was hard to let go, even after I met my current boyfriend. We had a rough start, on my 29th birthday we had a bad fight and I took a bunch of pills, and had to be hospitalized for three days. That was a turning point for me. I was forced into therapy. In my thereapy, I have learned that I can not keep everything inlike I use to. It is good to talk to another human being. I rely on my therapy sessions now, to get things off my chest. I talk to my family, my boyfriend, I have become more open person about me, my past,and how I feel. If I don't share I will de on a downward spiral to nowhere quick. I have also found that writing gives me a great outlet to express who I am, and how I feel. The pint of me sharing my story is so that if you feel the same way, or have been in the same situations, you can get help. Please go to my Educational Tools page or Help Services page to learn more or get phone numbers. And reme Since I have started this website/ blog I have shared a good amount about myself. I want to here from all the mom's out there. We all are important, we all have a story, and what I have come to discover in the past couple of weeks, is that we are all a New Kind of Mom. Every household in the word has a diferent dynamic. Dad's are "moms", Grandmother's are mom's, aunt's,uncles, there are people all over that are taking care of someone else's children. There are mom's who never had there children, but a few weeks out of the year. There are mom's with special needs kids, single mom's struggling. We all have a story. We are recoveriong addicts, victims of some kind of abuse, we have a mental illness, or a physicall illness. No matter wha ou have gone through, or are going through, share your story, tell your friends to tell their stories, so we can inspire each other. Help each other, and make our mark on the world. We are mom's! We are special! I am looking forward to hearing from you! And don't forget.....Love Never Fails!!
Over the past weekend I had the chance to reconnect with my sister, brother, and my dad. We sat in my dad's kitchen talking, laughing, and remembering the old times when we were kids. It was really nice. I felt like all our past conflicts, and troubles had been put behind us, and we had the chance to start over fresh. I feel renewed after this wekend. My sister and I use to be best friends when we were kids, and this wekend we sat and talked ike we were again.It did my heart some good. I am proud of her and all of her accomplishments. She still after all is my little sister, it doesn't matter how old we get. I do how ever worry about my brother, and his goals in life. He is 8 yrs younger than I am, but I have learned just to support them, not enable, and let him learn life's lessons. I havd to learn mine the hard way. I will just pray he doesn't do the same. I will be proud of him, no mtter what. He just needs to start making some decisions in life. Oh, and my dad, I love him very much! I grew up with my dad, and our relationship has finally grown into that adult parent/ child relationship,and it is very different. I like it though. I still have to come to him from time to time. But he is my dad, I guess I will, always need him. We are all going our seperate ways, but at the same time, coming closer together. And that is all because .....Love Never Fails.
Yesterday I spent the day in my own head, depresssed, filled with anxiety, and needing comfort. I didn't have the energy to do anything. All I could think about was my baby girl, and did I make the right decision for her. I have always been honest on here, so I will now. My daughter has been diagnosed with R.A.D.(reactive attachment disorder), this is a rare diagnosis for chidren. It also makes it hard to control your child, no type of dicipline works for them. She also has a mood disorder to go along with it. My boyfriend and I, consulted my family, and her therapist, and she had to be hospitalized for a little while. It broke my heart. The rest of the family knew and could see what what was going on, but as her mother I just couldn't tell myself that there was something wrong with my baby girl. There was one final episiod that made me see what everyone else saw. I am doing the best thing for my daughter. I have to do this now before she gets older and it is too late. I does break my heart, I don't want to see her hospitalized. I just wish that "Mommy could kiss it and make it better", but I can't do that this time. She has to do this work on her own. All I can do is love her, and we all know that.....Love Never Fails.
In the midst of a storm, I know what I need to do! There is a situation in my home that is very difficult for me to deal with right now. My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me the right answer. So as a mother I have to do the right thing for my child, as heart breaking as it may be. I still have great fears over the decision, but no one can predict the future. I have to let go, and let God. That is the only way anyone can be healed. I will take the steps today necessary to bring healing to my home, and to this situation. I have to do this as a mother. If I don't do this now, I would only be failing my child. A child to needs a mom to be mom right now, and not a friend. With the support of family we will take take of this, we will work together, and we will find the solutions that are needed. And if all else fails....Love Never Fails.
I"ve always been told to learn from your past mistakes, and never repeat them. I figured that one out a long time ago. I have made horrible mistakes, with family, friends, my kids, and with my relationships. In my heart of heart of hearts I know that I have changed, and that I can be trusted again. I, like most recovering addicts we think that we should be trusted automatically, not realizing that it takes time to rebuild that trust, and heal the hurt between friends and family. I have lost close friends, and it now hurts deeply that I can't repair those relationships. I want that old friend back, but somewhere along the way I hurt them so badly they don't want any part of me. I have tried to make my amends, and that is all I can do, with the exception of keep on doing what I am doing now, and stay clean, and stay true to my self. You may know the old saying: "when you go through hard times you find out who your true friends are", well for me I ended up with no friends. I have made new friends since, and have ran into the old ones,and each of them know me as a different person. I see these girls that have had a best friend since they were in the 3rd grade and it bothers me. I want that! I feel jealous, I feel angry at myself,and most of all I get sad. Since getting sick I realize how precious how life can be, and I just want to spend the rest od my life to the fullest the best I can, and for me I am still missing that one part of me. That true friend since childhood who knows everything about me, that I can talk to, and because of my past, they may never be in my present or my future. But what I do know is that ....Love Never Fails.
It seems like there a lot of hard decisions to made lately on every topic imaginable. Sometime it seems all too much for me. With tight finances, my illness, and my children deciding that they "hate" each other right now. I get overwhelmed easily. I am very greatfull that I have my boyfriend. He is able to pick up the slack for me when I am uncapable, on top of working six days a week to provide for us. He truely is a great man, and I love him very much.
But It me that I worry about. I feel like a burden most of the time, and feel useless to helping out this household. I know that is probably not true, but I can't help how I feel. I really want to work, but physically I am unable. And for I woman who used to work two jobs and clean house on the side; sitting in a house all day is hard for me. Infact it can be down right depressing. Last time I tried to work, I started having multiple seizures. My body just can't handle the stress. So I try to keep busy at home. My boyfriend and I make all the home decisions together, although inside I feel like I shouldn't because I don't pay bills. We are a couple and should do this together. We always have, so we will continue to, no matter how hard it may be for me. What ever the situation may be I will always know that....Love Never Fails. |