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I wouldn't be the woman I am today, without every thing I have gone through in my past. I have become s stronger, better woman because of it. When kids at school made fun of me or called me names, I learned  to build up tolerance of others. When I didn't have the coolest, name brand clothes, I learned to create my own style, and develope my own personality. Everytime I got dumped by a boyfriend, I learned what I liked and didn't like in a guy. When I took certain classes in school, I learned more about what I was good at in life, and what just wasn't my forte. When I married an abusive husband, I learned what a marraige was not supposed to be,and what love is not. When I chose to pick up that first drug, I learned what years of drug abuse can do to your life. When I place my children with my sister, I learned the heartbreak that only a mother can feel. When, I lost friends. I learned what it was like to be alone. When my family distanced themselves from me, I felt  isolated. When I left My husband , I felt free. When I reunited with family, I felt loved again. When I put the drugs down, I felt liberated. When I met my boy friend of 5yrs now, I finally new true love. When I reuinted with my children, I felt whole.  So it may take a bulldozer to tear you down, but each time you go through something hard, or painful,someone is throwing another brick, and you learn something from it. Don't let tose bricks go to waste. Use them, build your self up, get up from the gutter, use your strength, and build that foundation  you need to have a sucessful life. And remember ....Love never fails!

 
 
Another part ofmy life I don't get into much is the physical violence that went on during my marraige to my childrens father. Evertime I hear the songs "Love the Way You Lie", by Eminem & Rhianna, I describes exactly what I went through. It describes, the cyle of abuse, and why it so hard for many woman to leave. I am just fortunate that I got away before my end was death. Many woman don't leave unless it is in a body bag, and that is a sad fact. We need to be talking about this more. We need to be in peoples bussiness more. If my neighbors had stepped in more, I may have gotten away before I did. If you are involved in a domestic violence situation...GET OUT NOW!!!
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Love the Way You Lie Pt.1


Just
  gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well
  that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand
  there and hear me cry

Well, that's alright because I love the way you 
lie

I love the way you
lie

I  can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you
what it feels  like
And right now there's a steel knife in my 
windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can 
fight
As long as the wrong 
feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from my 
hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love it, the more I 
suffer
I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown, she 
resuscitates me
She fuckin' hates me, and I love it
Wait, where you going? I'm leaving you, no, you 
ain't
Come back, we're running right back, here we go 
again
It's so insane, 'cause when it's going good, it's going 
great
I'm Superman with the wind at his
back

She's  Lois Lane but when it's bad, it's awful, I feel so
ashamed
I snap, "Who's  that dude?", I don't even know his
name
I laid hands on her, I never stoop so  low
again
I guess I don't know my own strength
Just gonna stand there and watch me
burnWell that's alright because I
like the  way it hurtsJust gonna
stand there  and hear me cryWell,
that's  alright because I love the way you lieI
  love the way you lieI love the
way  you lie
You ever love somebody so much, you could barely breathe 
when you with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit 
'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to 
get 'em
Now you're gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 
'em

You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 
'em
Now you're in each others face spewing venom in your words
  when you spit 'em
You push, pull each others hair, scratch, claw, bit 
'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when 
you're in 'em

It's the race that took over, it controls you 
both
So they say you'd best to go your separate ways, guess 
that they don't know ya
'Cause today, that was yesterday, 
yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing 
over

But you promised her, next time you'd show 
restraint
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo 
game
But you lied again, now you get to watch her leave out the
  window
Guess that's why they call it "window
pane"

Just gonna stand
there and watch me  burnWell
that's alright because I  like the way it hurtsJust
gonna  stand there and hear me cryWell  that's alright because I love the way you
lieI  love the way you
lieI love the way  you
lie
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't 
mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same 
routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same 
as me
But when it comes to love, you're just as 
blinded

Baby, please come back, it wasn't you, baby, it was 
me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it 
seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a 
volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away 
though

Come inside, pick up your bags off the 
sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I 
talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the 
eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the 
drywall

Next time? There won't be no next time
apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her 
back, I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave 
again, I'ma tie her to the bed
And set this 
house on fire

Just gonna 
stand there and watch me burnWell 
that's alright because I like the way it hurtsJust
  gonna stand there and hear me cryWell
  that's alright because I love the way you lieI
  love the way you lieI love 
the way you lie



Read more: EMINEM
- LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE LYRICS
http://www.metrolyrics.com/love-the-way-you-lie-lyrics-eminem.html#ixzz24NeexKiz
Copied
from MetroLyrics.com

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Love the Way You Lie Pt.2


On the first page of our story 
The
future seemed so bright 
Then this thing
turned out so evil 
I don't know
why I'm still surprised 
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take
that to new extremes 
But you'll always be my
hero 
Even though you've lost your
mind 

Just
gonna stand there and watch me burn 
But
that's all right because I like the way it hurts 
Just
gonna stand there and hear me cry 
But that's
all right because I Love
the way you lie 
I love the way
you lie 
Ohhh, I love the way you lie 


[Rihanna's Part 2] 
Now
there's gravel in our voices 
Glass is
shattered from the fight 
In this
tug of war, you'll always win 
Even when I'm
right 
'Cause you feed me fables
from your hand 
With violent words and empty
threats 
And it's sick that all
these battles 
Are what keeps me satisfied 


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn 
But that's all right because I like the way it
hurts 
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry 

But that's all right because I
love the way you lie 
I love the way you lie 

Ohhh, I love the way you lie 


[Rihanna's Part 3] 
So
maybe I'm a masochist 
I try to
run but I don't wanna ever leave  

 Til the walls are goin' up 
In smoke with all our memories 

[Eminem's Part] 

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your
face 
Smeared makeup as we lay in
the wake of destruction 
Hush baby, speak
softly, tell me your awfully sorry 
That
you pushed me into the coffee table last night 
So
I can push you off me 
Try and
touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me 
Run
out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy 
Baby,
without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me 
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me 

Then after that, shove me, in the
aftermath of the 
Destructive path that we're
on, two psychopaths but we 
Know
that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs 
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky 

Together, we move mountains, let's
not make mountains out of molehills,  
You hit
me twice, yeah, but who's countin'' 
I
may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count 
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain 

Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but
I refused counsellin' 
This house is too huge,
if you move out I'll burn all two thousand 
Square
feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it 
With you I'm in my f-ckin' mind, without you, I'm out it 


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn 
But that's all right because I like the way it
hurts 
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry 

But that's all right because I
love the way you lie 
I love the way you lie 

Ohhh, I love the way you lie 


Love the way you lie 


[ Love The Way You Lie Part 2 lyrics

from
http://www.lyricsyoulove.com/r/rihanna/love_the_way_you_lie_part_2/


 
 
As a victim of domestic violence it is often hard to describe how I felt during that period of that time of my life. There have been several songs I have found that can describe that for me. 
Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain", describes the emotional part of me from beginning to end, and how my relationship evoled over time. This song really resinates with my heart.
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I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark
  and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands,
  they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your
  arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I
  never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never
  true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win

But I
  set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn
  while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When
  laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here,
  forever
You and me together, nothing is better

'Cause there's a side
  to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were
  never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I
set  fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn
while  I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set  fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt
somethin'  die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last
  time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be
  waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from
  looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched
  your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your
  name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the
  flames
Where I felt somethin' die
'Cause I knew that that was the last
  time, the last time, oh

Oh, no
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let
it burn

[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/set-fire-to-the-rain-lyrics.html ]

 
 
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I have mostly been speaking to you about my present, today I want to share more of my past. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried to cure myself with sex and alcohol while in high school, as I got older ther was more sex, alcohol, and added drugs into the mix. What I have failed to mentioned was the numerous attemps at suicide. I have written thousands of suicide letters, thought about my death many, many times, and acted upon it dozens of times. Only twice did I end up in the hospital, so to my family and friends reading this most of this will come as a shock. Well all of my attempts have been overdoses. Pills are a dangerous weapon to me.  I can remember my earliest attempt being as early as 7th grade. My parents were divorced, I didn't have that great of a relationship with any of my parents, I didn't have that many friends, I was picked on constantly in school...and I didn't see the reason to go on. I walked into the bathroom, found a bottled of pills, and took all of them. I don't know what they were, whose they were, all I know is that I got sleepy. But I woke up the next morning! For awhile I saw that as a sighn that I was supoosed to live. There was a purpose for me, but that feeling would never last long. I would have attempted suicide many more times before I left high school.
After high school, I really got depressed. I felt like I had no purpose in life. This time my attemp at suicide may have worked if only my roommate hadn't of come home. I was rushed to the hospital where they saved my life. I was more depressed than ever. I bounced around from home to home for a while, then my answer was to marry the first guy that said he loved me. I did, three weeks after I met him. I don't know today if it was love, lust, or a way out. I just wanted a change, and thought he was it. Little did I know what was to come. I started getting high and stayed that way until 6 months later when, SURPRISE! I'm Pregnant!!! That is about the time he started to become abusive to me. I gave up on suicide atemptes for a while, I thought my purpose on earth was to change this man, and have a perfect family. He dragged me down, further and further until I felt worthless, and just didn't give shit anymore about myself, the kids, or anything. All I wanted to do was die. So I would do so many drugs that I would hope that the next one would be the final one. I wanted them to kill me. I was dissapointed to wake up in the morning.
During that time the kids did go to live with my sister, I was no good for them, their father was no good to them or me. They needed to be in a better home. Finally a day came when he was gone from my life and I felt freedom for the first time in my life.
But I had been drug down so far he still had this control over me. It was hard to let go, even after I met my current boyfriend. We had a rough start, on my 29th birthday we had a bad fight and I took a bunch of pills, and had to be hospitalized for three days. That was a turning point for me. I was forced into therapy.
In my thereapy, I have learned that I can not keep everything inlike I use to. It is good to talk to another human being. I rely on my therapy sessions now, to get things off my chest. I talk to my family, my boyfriend, I have become more open person about me, my past,and how I feel. If I don't share I will de on a downward spiral to nowhere quick. I have also found that writing gives me a great outlet to express who I am, and how I feel.
The pint of me sharing my story is so that if you feel the same way, or have been in the same situations, you can get help. Please go to my Educational Tools page or Help Services page to learn more or get phone numbers.

And reme

 
 
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Since I have started this website/ blog I have shared a good amount about myself. I want to here from all the mom's out there. We all are important, we all have a story, and what I have come to discover in the past couple of weeks, is that we are all a New Kind of Mom. Every household in the word has a diferent dynamic. Dad's are "moms", Grandmother's are mom's, aunt's,uncles, there are people all over that are taking care of someone else's children. There are mom's who never had there children, but a few weeks out of the year. There are mom's with special needs kids, single mom's struggling. We all have a story. We are recoveriong addicts, victims of some kind of abuse, we have a mental illness, or a physicall illness. No matter wha ou have gone through, or are going through, share your story, tell your friends to tell their stories, so we can inspire each other. Help each other, and make our mark on the world. We are mom's! We are special! I am looking forward to hearing from you! And don't forget.....Love Never Fails!! 


 
 
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Over the past weekend I had the chance to reconnect with my sister, brother, and my dad. We sat in my dad's kitchen talking, laughing, and remembering the old times when we were kids. It was really nice. I felt like all our past conflicts, and troubles had been put behind us, and we had the chance to start over fresh. I feel renewed after this wekend. My sister and I use to be best friends when we were kids, and this wekend we sat and talked ike we were again.It did my heart some good. I am proud of her and all of her accomplishments. She still after all is my little sister, it doesn't matter how old we get.  I do how ever worry about my brother, and his goals in life. He is 8 yrs younger than I am, but I have learned just to support them, not enable, and let him learn life's lessons. I havd to learn mine the hard way. I will just pray he doesn't do the same. I will be proud of him, no mtter what. He just needs to start making some decisions in life. Oh, and my dad, I love him very much! I grew up with my dad, and our relationship has finally grown into that adult parent/ child relationship,and it is very different. I like it though. I still have to come to him from time to time. But he is my dad, I guess I will,  always need him.  We are all going our seperate ways, but at the same time, coming closer together. And that is all because .....Love Never Fails.


 
 
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Yesterday I spent the day in my own head, depresssed, filled with anxiety, and needing comfort. I didn't have the energy to do anything. All I could think about was my baby girl, and did I make the right decision for her. I have always been honest on here, so I will now. My daughter has been diagnosed with R.A.D.(reactive attachment disorder), this is a rare diagnosis for chidren. It also makes it hard to control your child, no type of dicipline works for them. She also has a mood disorder to go along with it. My boyfriend and I, consulted my family, and her therapist, and she had to be hospitalized for a little while. It broke my heart. The rest of the family knew and could see what what was going on, but as her mother I just couldn't tell myself that there was something wrong with my baby girl. There was one final episiod that made me see what everyone else saw. I am doing the best thing for my daughter. I have to do this now before she gets older and it is too late. I does break my heart, I don't want to see her hospitalized. I just wish that "Mommy could kiss it and make it better", but I can't do that this time. She has to do this work on her own. All I can do is love her, and we all know that.....Love Never Fails.

 
 
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In the midst of a storm, I know what I need to do! There is a situation in my home that is very difficult for me to deal with right now. My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me the right answer. So as a mother I have to do the right thing for my child, as heart breaking as it may be. I still have great fears over the decision, but no one can predict the future. I have to let go, and let God. That is the only way anyone can be healed. I will take the steps today necessary to bring healing to my home, and to this situation. I have to do this as a mother. If I don't do this now, I would only be failing my child. A child to needs a mom to be mom right now, and not a friend. With the support of family we will take take of this, we will work together, and we will find the solutions that are needed. And if all else fails....Love Never Fails.

 
 
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I"ve always been told to learn from your past mistakes, and never repeat them. I figured that one out a long time ago. I have made horrible mistakes, with family, friends, my kids, and with my relationships.  In my heart of heart of hearts I know that I have changed, and that I can be trusted again. I, like most recovering  addicts we think that  we should be trusted automatically, not realizing that it takes time to rebuild that trust, and heal the hurt between friends and family. I have lost close friends, and it now hurts deeply that I can't repair those relationships. I want that old friend back, but somewhere along the way I hurt them so badly  they don't want any part of me. I have tried to make my amends, and that is all I can do, with the exception of keep on doing what I am doing now, and stay clean, and stay true to my self.  You may know the old saying: "when you go through hard times you find out who your true friends are", well for me I ended up with no friends. I have made new friends since, and have ran into the old ones,and each of them know me as a different person. I see these girls that have had a best friend since they were in the 3rd grade and it bothers me. I want that! I feel jealous, I feel angry at myself,and most of all I get sad. Since getting sick I realize how precious how life can be, and I just want to spend the rest od my life to the fullest the best I can, and for me I am still missing that one part of me. That true friend since childhood who knows everything about me, that I can talk to,  and because of my past, they may never be in my present or my future. But what I do know  is that ....Love Never Fails.

 
 
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It seems  like there a lot of hard decisions to made lately on every topic imaginable.  Sometime it seems all too much for me. With tight finances, my illness, and my children deciding that they "hate" each other right now. I get overwhelmed easily. I am very greatfull that I have my boyfriend. He is able to pick up the slack for me when I am uncapable, on top of working six days a week to provide for us. He truely is a great man, and I love him very much.
But It me that I worry about. I feel like a burden most of the time, and feel useless to helping out this household. I know that is probably not true, but I can't help how I feel. I really want to work, but physically I am unable. And for I woman who used to work two jobs and clean house on the side; sitting in a house all day is hard for me. Infact it can be down right depressing. Last time I tried to work, I started having multiple seizures. My body just can't handle the stress. So I try to keep busy at home.
My boyfriend and I make all the home decisions together, although inside I feel like I shouldn't because I don't pay bills. We are a couple and should do this together.  We always have, so we will continue to, no matter how hard it may be for me. What ever the situation may be I will always know that....Love Never Fails.