I still carry negative feelings towards my exhusband. I can't let go and forgive him for all that has happened in the past. I try, and try, but it is so hard for me. I don't think that he gets how much he hurt me. I want to punish him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me, but I know that there is no possible way to do that. Sometimes I think, maybe he does know the pain he has caused, but I doubt that. There has now come a point in my life that I can no longer worry about what he has done to me, and worry about the two children that we gave life to.
There has been a disconnect between him and the kids for over 6yrs now, he hasn't seen them, except maybe in pictures. I'm not sure if he has talked to them,and I wonder is this fair to the kids. All kids need a father in their life, and if he is willing to stand up, take responsiblity, pay his dues, then he should be able to be apart of the kids lives. Now in my family, others may say different, but that is a story for a different day.
I believe that I can put aside all my hurt, anger, and bitterness so that my kids can have a chance with their dad. I just hope and pray that I am making the right decision, and that thier dad will do right by them, so they can have healthy relationships from this day forth. This process may be a slow one for all involved, a one day at a time kind of thing, but I think it can work. As long as we keep God in our hearts, and walk with faith "Love never fails."
For years I have strugggled with my self esteem, and body image. In high school I was the tall skinny girl, no boobs, and messed up teeth. I was picked on and I hated how I looked and I would try to cover up. There was a short period of time after high school that I filled out a little, and I thought I looked good, but I based that on how many guys I could get. That's when my self esteem took an ugly turn, I married my ex-husband, and he beat what what confidence I had left out of me. Two children later I gained almost 100lbs. I struggle today with my self esteem. I don't look..I mean really look in the mirror at my self. I throw on what ever clothes that I can. Most days I don't even care if they match. Sexy, beautiful, confidant, even cute, aren't word I would use to describe myself. I have a hard time accepting compliments, and wish sometimes I would get one when I try. Really the only thing I like about myself is my hair, and most days I pull it up so no one see's how well I take care of it. That's because I'm ashamed of the few gray hairs I have.
I'm being honest about all of this because I'm not the only one who feels this way. There are lots of women who feel the exact same way. We laugh about being fat, make jokes at ourselves, others poke fun at us, and deep down inside we are crying. Sometimes we are crying out loud. I know I do!
I want to be the most beautiful woman for my boyfriend. I don't want to be afraid to wear lingerie. I don't want to be afraid to have my picture taken. I want to be able to wear the cute clothes. I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.
I want to be able to love myself again. "Love Never Fails"
If you follow me often, you know that I have been a stay at home mom, but not due to choice. I got sick almost 2yrs ago, and have been off work for 8 months. I have been trying to get disability, and I am even to the point that I am waiting on my hearing. I just don't think my bills are going to wait much longer. It has seemed like every month something has kicked us down even further to take away from what little money we have. I am so tired of asking for help, being on government assitance, and putting all the burden on my boyfriend. He does alot for me, he works six days a week, and does his best to stay postive about our situation. But right now it is hard to stay positive any longer.
I am going to find work. I have too! To be honest, that is almost terrifing for me. I haven't had a seizure in a while, but I can no longer afford all my medications that keep me seizure free. I don't know how I will react to going back to work. I don't handle stress very well. I have a anxiety disorder that acts out in funny ways, and I am scared. But I have to do this. I just have to, for the family, for Mike, and for my kids. If not we may find ourselves, hungery, and homeless. Please say a prayer. I have to remember...."Love never fails."
Christmas in my family has always been a big deal, at least for me it is. It starts with the putting up of the Christmas decorations, to the day we put the ornaments on the tree. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one huge family celebration. My favorite parts were cooking together,playing games together,and the just spend time with each other part. I loved being part of a family. For me the holidays seem to make all other problems go away.
So this year, it is time for me to start my own things for my kids. This will be the first Christmas, and Thanksgiving we have spent together as a family with Mike and Harlee. I so excited about it, I am decorating everything on Monday and Tuesday...except the Christmas tree. The tree is saved for Bailey's birthday, just a few weeks before Christmas.
I previously wrote about finances were getting me down about Holiday time. Then my sister reminded me, it is not all about what the kids get for Christmas, it is about how they enjoy the time. I can't tell you now a single gift I recieved on a particular year, but I can tell you the traditions we had every year. That iswhat I want them to reflect on. So big thanks to my little sis, for reminding me that I don't have to go all out to make it a Christmas to remember. And remember Love Never Fails.
Picture: myself, sister, step brother when I was 13yrs old on Christmas morning. We got matching PJ's they even had the butt traps in them.