So, it is that time of year again when the kids are having their first long break of the school year. It is Fall Break!! Ten long days where the kids are bored after the first couple hours, and on each others nerves soon after they wake up on day one.
As I look over at them now; one has a Xbox controller attached to his hand and the other is holding a tablet. (And already bickering over everything) I want to make things different this year! The weather is beautiful, and they could be outside playing. As a kid I grew up in Louisiana, I had sugar cane fields in my back yard...we used to run and play in those fields for hours. My sister and I even use to take our dolls outside and play house in those fields. It was so much fun. Now I know we live in an apartment complex on a busy road, but there is so much to do around here and it won't cost me a dime.
We can have a scavenger hunt, like I used to do with my parents. Play a game of whiffle ball. Tag Football. Painting...I have some canvas' left. Baking together is always fun, plus we get to eat the treats!! Maybe we will take a trip to the park. and when all else fails put on a good movie, and pile up on the couch together. I think I will save that one for a rainy day.
Starting today I am going to limit their amount of technology they can play with, and get the creative juices flowing!!
Since my last blog in February, my life has changes around dramatically!! Shortly after my heartbreaking post about my " life was shattering", I found a Church that changed my life. Nothing really special about the church, just that it reintroduced to God. I knew that He had always been there for me, I just had to accept that I had too let go, and let Him handle my life. Since then my life has not been perfect by no means. I just found a new way of dealing with life. Prayer is a big part of my day. I find myself praying for all sorts of things, and people at all times. Also I had to learn how to forgive, and I don't just mean telling someone I forgive them. I mean really letting it go, and moving on with my life. I have to accept that I can't change anyone, their past, my past, or even what is going on around me. I just have to do what is right for me, and asking God to help me with the big decisions in life.
I have run into stumbling blocks. Just last month, I found myself hospitalized with pulmonary embolism at age 32. Having this diagnosis is scary at times, as well as stressful. I have many doctors visits, several trips to the ER, and lots of medication. I am determined to get past this. I have to!! I have three beautiful children that need me around. I could give up and throw in the towel, but what would the kids do. They need a mom around, not just for the day to day things, but to teach them life lessons.
We as parents have to teach our children how to become well rounded adults. They learn from us, they watch us, and they mimic us. I watch my son and step daughter, whom are the same age (4th grade), trying to become their own person. I also see them making decisions based on the adults they have in their lives. I wonder sometimes, if what I'm teaching them now...or not teaching them going to help them in the long run? I try to instill responsibility, good decision making, and being kind to others. I preach it over and over, but am I showing it to them? I think that is a big part of being a parent...practicing what you preach. So from this day forward I am going to put real effort into practicing what I preach, and being a good role model for my children.
I still carry negative feelings towards my exhusband. I can't let go and forgive him for all that has happened in the past. I try, and try, but it is so hard for me. I don't think that he gets how much he hurt me. I want to punish him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me, but I know that there is no possible way to do that. Sometimes I think, maybe he does know the pain he has caused, but I doubt that. There has now come a point in my life that I can no longer worry about what he has done to me, and worry about the two children that we gave life to.
There has been a disconnect between him and the kids for over 6yrs now, he hasn't seen them, except maybe in pictures. I'm not sure if he has talked to them,and I wonder is this fair to the kids. All kids need a father in their life, and if he is willing to stand up, take responsiblity, pay his dues, then he should be able to be apart of the kids lives. Now in my family, others may say different, but that is a story for a different day.
I believe that I can put aside all my hurt, anger, and bitterness so that my kids can have a chance with their dad. I just hope and pray that I am making the right decision, and that thier dad will do right by them, so they can have healthy relationships from this day forth. This process may be a slow one for all involved, a one day at a time kind of thing, but I think it can work. As long as we keep God in our hearts, and walk with faith "Love never fails."
If you follow me often, you know that I have been a stay at home mom, but not due to choice. I got sick almost 2yrs ago, and have been off work for 8 months. I have been trying to get disability, and I am even to the point that I am waiting on my hearing. I just don't think my bills are going to wait much longer. It has seemed like every month something has kicked us down even further to take away from what little money we have. I am so tired of asking for help, being on government assitance, and putting all the burden on my boyfriend. He does alot for me, he works six days a week, and does his best to stay postive about our situation. But right now it is hard to stay positive any longer.
I am going to find work. I have too! To be honest, that is almost terrifing for me. I haven't had a seizure in a while, but I can no longer afford all my medications that keep me seizure free. I don't know how I will react to going back to work. I don't handle stress very well. I have a anxiety disorder that acts out in funny ways, and I am scared. But I have to do this. I just have to, for the family, for Mike, and for my kids. If not we may find ourselves, hungery, and homeless. Please say a prayer. I have to remember...."Love never fails."
Christmas in my family has always been a big deal, at least for me it is. It starts with the putting up of the Christmas decorations, to the day we put the ornaments on the tree. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one huge family celebration. My favorite parts were cooking together,playing games together,and the just spend time with each other part. I loved being part of a family. For me the holidays seem to make all other problems go away.
So this year, it is time for me to start my own things for my kids. This will be the first Christmas, and Thanksgiving we have spent together as a family with Mike and Harlee. I so excited about it, I am decorating everything on Monday and Tuesday...except the Christmas tree. The tree is saved for Bailey's birthday, just a few weeks before Christmas.
I previously wrote about finances were getting me down about Holiday time. Then my sister reminded me, it is not all about what the kids get for Christmas, it is about how they enjoy the time. I can't tell you now a single gift I recieved on a particular year, but I can tell you the traditions we had every year. That iswhat I want them to reflect on. So big thanks to my little sis, for reminding me that I don't have to go all out to make it a Christmas to remember. And remember Love Never Fails.
Picture: myself, sister, step brother when I was 13yrs old on Christmas morning. We got matching PJ's they even had the butt traps in them.
I have always loved this time of year, when the leaves turn, the weather starts to turn cooler, and all the holidays start to approach us. This year will be the first year I get to have mychildren with me for all of it. Taking my son trick-or -treating, planning out where to have Thanksgiving Dinner, and them my favorite part Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas. If I could do it today I would!! This year it is also bitter sweet. I get have everyone I want around me, but have no money do what I want. I have been fighting for my disiabilty since March, and have come to a point that we almost can not make it anymore. I an terrified to go back to work, I don't know if I can do it. At home, I am in a stress free environment, and I can do things at my own pace. So my seizures have been few and far between the last couple of months. But what if I go back to work, and they come back. Then I have strart this disability thing all over. If I don't go to work, I don't know how to pay for the bills , much less buy Christmas presents. You see, my boyfriends overtime at work, that he was gettting regularly, has been cut out along with some other finactial burdens we have occured. My chilren are use to a big almost over the top Christmas, and I have been trying to find a way to do something for them. There is a program through my local Salvation Army that I believe will help out. I just hope that I can find a job, that I can do before Christmas, so I can give them the the Christmas I have always wanted to do.
I know God will lead me cause...."Love never fails."
So over the last few weeks, my voice has been silent all over the world wide web. I believe by devine intervention. Just as things were heating up in my personal life and going chaotic, was told by many to stay off the computer, it was only adding fuel to the fire. My physical temptaions kept leading back to this addicting machine. then one morning my computer seemed to crash. It would not work for anything. I ran out of minutes on my prepaid cell phone, so no Facebook for me. I basically lost all my addicting technology, eccept my TV, and face it, there is nothing good on there anymore.
I have used the time to actually talk to people. Yes, the spoken word, and I was forced to listen, and think about was being said, and ingest it. I took the time to look inside myself, and ask those hard qusetions of my self. With all that time, and thinking and advice, I believe I came up with the right decisions for my life, my children, and everyone around me. For me all I want is happiness, love, and well being for all.
My suggestion to all is that when you are going through a rough time, turn off the technology, get away from it all. For me it was done for me. Then when I decided to forgive, make amends, and work through it peacefully like a miracle my computer started working again like nothing happened. So I want to say thank you to God for my little miracle of shutting down my technology. Remember God said "Love never fails."
There are some people in the world that are are trying to say that I am not a good mom. Matter of fact they think that when I am trying to what is best is really harming my child, enough so to charge me with neglect of my children. Thier sole purpose to gain custody of my kids bcause they think they could do better and don't see and don't want to see the issue the child has. I think is sad, really to put your own self before the welfare of the children. Why hurt a child that needs help, why enable a child that needs help, because they don't think that the mother who has finally come to grips that her child needs the help, is wrong. Maybe, I am trying everything I know. Maybe this is hard on me. Maybe they are being selfish, and they need to forgive themselves for their past mistakes and , and realize that this isn't their child that we are dealing with. This is my child, whom is very different. I will fight for my child, I will fight for what is the right thing for my child. They need to give me a chance. Work with me, not against me. I tried to do it their way, but a court battle, trying to put me in jail, and saying that I neglect my children is wrong. It is the wrong move for the kids, and everyone involed. I will prove that their. charges are completely unfounded. I am a strong woman. They will not beat me down. I fought for my children for 7yrs, and never gave up, and I will not give up this time.
Remember.......Love Never Fails!!!!
Over the past weekend I had the chance to reconnect with my sister, brother, and my dad. We sat in my dad's kitchen talking, laughing, and remembering the old times when we were kids. It was really nice. I felt like all our past conflicts, and troubles had been put behind us, and we had the chance to start over fresh. I feel renewed after this wekend. My sister and I use to be best friends when we were kids, and this wekend we sat and talked ike we were again.It did my heart some good. I am proud of her and all of her accomplishments. She still after all is my little sister, it doesn't matter how old we get. I do how ever worry about my brother, and his goals in life. He is 8 yrs younger than I am, but I have learned just to support them, not enable, and let him learn life's lessons. I havd to learn mine the hard way. I will just pray he doesn't do the same. I will be proud of him, no mtter what. He just needs to start making some decisions in life. Oh, and my dad, I love him very much! I grew up with my dad, and our relationship has finally grown into that adult parent/ child relationship,and it is very different. I like it though. I still have to come to him from time to time. But he is my dad, I guess I will, always need him. We are all going our seperate ways, but at the same time, coming closer together. And that is all because .....Love Never Fails.
Yesterday I spent the day in my own head, depresssed, filled with anxiety, and needing comfort. I didn't have the energy to do anything. All I could think about was my baby girl, and did I make the right decision for her. I have always been honest on here, so I will now. My daughter has been diagnosed with R.A.D.(reactive attachment disorder), this is a rare diagnosis for chidren. It also makes it hard to control your child, no type of dicipline works for them. She also has a mood disorder to go along with it. My boyfriend and I, consulted my family, and her therapist, and she had to be hospitalized for a little while. It broke my heart. The rest of the family knew and could see what what was going on, but as her mother I just couldn't tell myself that there was something wrong with my baby girl. There was one final episiod that made me see what everyone else saw. I am doing the best thing for my daughter. I have to do this now before she gets older and it is too late. I does break my heart, I don't want to see her hospitalized. I just wish that "Mommy could kiss it and make it better", but I can't do that this time. She has to do this work on her own. All I can do is love her, and we all know that.....Love Never Fails.