If you follow me often, you know that I have been a stay at home mom, but not due to choice. I got sick almost 2yrs ago, and have been off work for 8 months. I have been trying to get disability, and I am even to the point that I am waiting on my hearing. I just don't think my bills are going to wait much longer. It has seemed like every month something has kicked us down even further to take away from what little money we have. I am so tired of asking for help, being on government assitance, and putting all the burden on my boyfriend. He does alot for me, he works six days a week, and  does his best to stay postive about our situation. But right now it is hard to stay positive any longer.
I am going to find work. I have too! To be honest, that is almost terrifing for me. I haven't had a seizure in a while, but I can no longer afford all my medications that keep me seizure free. I don't know how I will react to going back to work. I don't handle stress very well. I have a anxiety disorder that acts out in funny ways, and I am scared. But I have to do this. I just have to, for the family, for Mike, and for my kids. If not we may find ourselves, hungery, and homeless.  Please say a prayer.   I have to remember...."Love never fails."

Christmas in my family has always been a big deal, at least for me it is. It starts with the putting up of the Christmas decorations, to the day we put the ornaments on the tree. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one huge family celebration. My favorite parts were cooking together,playing games together,and the just spend time with each other part. I loved being part of a family. For me the holidays seem to make all other problems go away.
So this year, it is time for me to start my own things for my kids. This will be the first Christmas, and Thanksgiving we have spent together as a family with Mike and Harlee. I so excited about it, I am decorating everything on Monday and Tuesday...except the Christmas tree. The tree is saved for Bailey's birthday, just a few weeks before Christmas.
I previously wrote about finances were getting me down about Holiday time. Then my sister reminded me, it is not all about what the kids get for Christmas, it is about how they enjoy the time. I can't tell you now a single gift I recieved on a particular year, but I can tell you the traditions we had every year. That iswhat I want them to reflect on.  So big thanks to my little sis, for reminding me that I don't have to go all out to make it a Christmas to remember. And remember Love Never Fails.

Picture: myself, sister, step brother when I was 13yrs old on Christmas morning. We got matching PJ's they even had the butt traps in them.

It seems  like there a lot of hard decisions to made lately on every topic imaginable.  Sometime it seems all too much for me. With tight finances, my illness, and my children deciding that they "hate" each other right now. I get overwhelmed easily. I am very greatfull that I have my boyfriend. He is able to pick up the slack for me when I am uncapable, on top of working six days a week to provide for us. He truely is a great man, and I love him very much.
But It me that I worry about. I feel like a burden most of the time, and feel useless to helping out this household. I know that is probably not true, but I can't help how I feel. I really want to work, but physically I am unable. And for I woman who used to work two jobs and clean house on the side; sitting in a house all day is hard for me. Infact it can be down right depressing. Last time I tried to work, I started having multiple seizures. My body just can't handle the stress. So I try to keep busy at home.
My boyfriend and I make all the home decisions together, although inside I feel like I shouldn't because I don't pay bills. We are a couple and should do this together.  We always have, so we will continue to, no matter how hard it may be for me. What ever the situation may be I will always know that....Love Never Fails.

"We aren't poor, we just aren't wealthy." These words were spoken from my daughter last night. It struck me  that she could see it that way, when I have been over burdened and stressed out about money. I worry that I am not doing the best for my children, that I can not give them everything that they were used to at my sisters. I have a much smaller home, they have to share a room, we can't go and do things, and there are times that I have had to wonder if we were going to make it through the week with what money we had. I have considered us poor. My boyfriend works six days a week to take care of us, for which, I am ever so greatfull. I can't work due to my seizuire disorder, and other health issues. The kids have felt the difference, my daughter even told me once that she "didn't know if she was ready for all of this", but since then she has embraced our situation, and tries to find ways to help. I habe been in worse situations, I have lived in run down motels, not knowing if I was going to have  roof over my head that night or a next meal, so I need to be more greatful and look at things from my daughters point of view. I have a roof over my head, food in the refridgerator, cable TV, internet, cars, and many other things that others do not.  So next time any of us stress about what is going on with our finances, look around you and see what you do have. Then do something for someone less fortunate. The kids and I donated clothes to a church that gives them away for free. That way the true homeless, and the truely poor can have some clothes. There are al kinds of things you can do for others and it will ultimately make you feel good about yourself. When all else fails....Love Never Fails.