Since my last blog in February, my life has changes around dramatically!! Shortly after my heartbreaking post about my " life was shattering", I found a Church that changed my life. Nothing really special about the church, just that it reintroduced to God. I knew that He had always been there for me, I just had to accept that I had too let go, and let Him handle my life. Since then my life has not been perfect by no means. I just found a new way of dealing with life. Prayer is a big part of my day. I find myself praying for all sorts of things, and people at all times. Also I had to learn how to forgive, and I don't just mean telling someone I forgive them. I mean really letting it go, and moving on with my life. I have to accept that I can't change anyone, their past, my past, or even what is going on around me. I just have to do what is right for me, and asking God to help me with the big decisions in life.
I have run into stumbling blocks. Just last month, I found myself hospitalized with pulmonary embolism at age 32. Having this diagnosis is scary at times, as well as stressful. I have many doctors visits, several trips to the ER, and lots of medication. I am determined to get past this. I have to!! I have three beautiful children that need me around. I could give up and throw in the towel, but what would the kids do. They need a mom around, not just for the day to day things, but to teach them life lessons.
We as parents have to teach our children how to become well rounded adults. They learn from us, they watch us, and they mimic us. I watch my son and step daughter, whom are the same age (4th grade), trying to become their own person. I also see them making decisions based on the adults they have in their lives. I wonder sometimes, if what I'm teaching them now...or not teaching them going to help them in the long run? I try to instill responsibility, good decision making, and being kind to others. I preach it over and over, but am I showing it to them? I think that is a big part of being a parent...practicing what you preach. So from this day forward I am going to put real effort into practicing what I preach, and being a good role model for my children.
I have always had this dream of becoming a writer one day. All my life I have written little things off and on. I guess it started when I was young, I write short stories, poems, and even long love letters to boyfriends. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself to others. Lately the itch to write something something more. That is one of the reasons I started this blog. I thought it may fullfill my need to write again, but instead it is only leaving me with the feeling that I could do more. That I have something inside of me that needs to come out. that I have this talent as a writer that I have never explored. I am thinking of writing a book. I know that a lot goes into writing a book, but I am a stay at home mom, and I have the time. I have lost focus of what my purpose in llife is, what I want in my life. I lost my original dream, like so many of us do. I want to follow that dream. I want to try to live my dream, and and it can't hurt to try. I will never know what will happen unless I try. So what I am saying to all of you out there is if you have a dream, go for it! Better late than never. Be true to your self, and you can't fail. Love your self and you can not fail.
Remember..."Love never fails."
So over the last few weeks, my voice has been silent all over the world wide web. I believe by devine intervention. Just as things were heating up in my personal life and going chaotic, was told by many to stay off the computer, it was only adding fuel to the fire. My physical temptaions kept leading back to this addicting machine. then one morning my computer seemed to crash. It would not work for anything. I ran out of minutes on my prepaid cell phone, so no Facebook for me. I basically lost all my addicting technology, eccept my TV, and face it, there is nothing good on there anymore.
I have used the time to actually talk to people. Yes, the spoken word, and I was forced to listen, and think about was being said, and ingest it. I took the time to look inside myself, and ask those hard qusetions of my self. With all that time, and thinking and advice, I believe I came up with the right decisions for my life, my children, and everyone around me. For me all I want is happiness, love, and well being for all.
My suggestion to all is that when you are going through a rough time, turn off the technology, get away from it all. For me it was done for me. Then when I decided to forgive, make amends, and work through it peacefully like a miracle my computer started working again like nothing happened. So I want to say thank you to God for my little miracle of shutting down my technology. Remember God said "Love never fails."
I consider myself to be many things, a mom, a Christian, a daughter, a sister, aunt, granddaughter, homemaker, fiance, friend, and the list could go on forever. I am not perfect at anyof them. I make mistakes some times, we all do. The best I can do is repent, make amends, and try to rectify the situation in the best intrest for everyone involved. I lean on my Chrstianity a lot. I may not go to church, and belong to an organized religion, but that does not mean that I haven't read my Bible time and time again. That I don't pray and go to God for my troubles, and seek him out for all the answers. I also seek the councel of those who have more experience in life than I do. I ask for their wisdom, their support to get me through the rough times. I remember the teachings of the 12 step program that was taught to me in the Narcotics Anonymous program. I will never be perfect , someone will always find fault with me. On that day I will remind them that they are not perfect, everyone carries around baggage. There was one peerfect person who walked this earth, and that was Jesus Christ. I will stive to walk in His image until the day I die. I will always remember the words of God in 1 Corinthinthians 13:8 " Love never fails."
I wouldn't be the woman I am today, without every thing I have gone through in my past. I have become s stronger, better woman because of it. When kids at school made fun of me or called me names, I learned to build up tolerance of others. When I didn't have the coolest, name brand clothes, I learned to create my own style, and develope my own personality. Everytime I got dumped by a boyfriend, I learned what I liked and didn't like in a guy. When I took certain classes in school, I learned more about what I was good at in life, and what just wasn't my forte. When I married an abusive husband, I learned what a marraige was not supposed to be,and what love is not. When I chose to pick up that first drug, I learned what years of drug abuse can do to your life. When I place my children with my sister, I learned the heartbreak that only a mother can feel. When, I lost friends. I learned what it was like to be alone. When my family distanced themselves from me, I felt isolated. When I left My husband , I felt free. When I reunited with family, I felt loved again. When I put the drugs down, I felt liberated. When I met my boy friend of 5yrs now, I finally new true love. When I reuinted with my children, I felt whole. So it may take a bulldozer to tear you down, but each time you go through something hard, or painful,someone is throwing another brick, and you learn something from it. Don't let tose bricks go to waste. Use them, build your self up, get up from the gutter, use your strength, and build that foundation you need to have a sucessful life. And remember ....Love never fails!
I have mostly been speaking to you about my present, today I want to share more of my past. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried to cure myself with sex and alcohol while in high school, as I got older ther was more sex, alcohol, and added drugs into the mix. What I have failed to mentioned was the numerous attemps at suicide. I have written thousands of suicide letters, thought about my death many, many times, and acted upon it dozens of times. Only twice did I end up in the hospital, so to my family and friends reading this most of this will come as a shock. Well all of my attempts have been overdoses. Pills are a dangerous weapon to me. I can remember my earliest attempt being as early as 7th grade. My parents were divorced, I didn't have that great of a relationship with any of my parents, I didn't have that many friends, I was picked on constantly in school...and I didn't see the reason to go on. I walked into the bathroom, found a bottled of pills, and took all of them. I don't know what they were, whose they were, all I know is that I got sleepy. But I woke up the next morning! For awhile I saw that as a sighn that I was supoosed to live. There was a purpose for me, but that feeling would never last long. I would have attempted suicide many more times before I left high school.
After high school, I really got depressed. I felt like I had no purpose in life. This time my attemp at suicide may have worked if only my roommate hadn't of come home. I was rushed to the hospital where they saved my life. I was more depressed than ever. I bounced around from home to home for a while, then my answer was to marry the first guy that said he loved me. I did, three weeks after I met him. I don't know today if it was love, lust, or a way out. I just wanted a change, and thought he was it. Little did I know what was to come. I started getting high and stayed that way until 6 months later when, SURPRISE! I'm Pregnant!!! That is about the time he started to become abusive to me. I gave up on suicide atemptes for a while, I thought my purpose on earth was to change this man, and have a perfect family. He dragged me down, further and further until I felt worthless, and just didn't give shit anymore about myself, the kids, or anything. All I wanted to do was die. So I would do so many drugs that I would hope that the next one would be the final one. I wanted them to kill me. I was dissapointed to wake up in the morning.
During that time the kids did go to live with my sister, I was no good for them, their father was no good to them or me. They needed to be in a better home. Finally a day came when he was gone from my life and I felt freedom for the first time in my life.
But I had been drug down so far he still had this control over me. It was hard to let go, even after I met my current boyfriend. We had a rough start, on my 29th birthday we had a bad fight and I took a bunch of pills, and had to be hospitalized for three days. That was a turning point for me. I was forced into therapy.
In my thereapy, I have learned that I can not keep everything inlike I use to. It is good to talk to another human being. I rely on my therapy sessions now, to get things off my chest. I talk to my family, my boyfriend, I have become more open person about me, my past,and how I feel. If I don't share I will de on a downward spiral to nowhere quick. I have also found that writing gives me a great outlet to express who I am, and how I feel.
The pint of me sharing my story is so that if you feel the same way, or have been in the same situations, you can get help. Please go to my Educational Tools page or Help Services page to learn more or get phone numbers.
In the midst of a storm, I know what I need to do! There is a situation in my home that is very difficult for me to deal with right now. My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me the right answer. So as a mother I have to do the right thing for my child, as heart breaking as it may be. I still have great fears over the decision, but no one can predict the future. I have to let go, and let God. That is the only way anyone can be healed. I will take the steps today necessary to bring healing to my home, and to this situation. I have to do this as a mother. If I don't do this now, I would only be failing my child. A child to needs a mom to be mom right now, and not a friend. With the support of family we will take take of this, we will work together, and we will find the solutions that are needed. And if all else fails....Love Never Fails.
This is a poem that I wrote several years ago that I wanted to share.
Tornados swirl above,
And mental abuse.
I ask for help,
With the love from above.
The winds die down.
The storm ceases.
Serenity enters my soul.
I live for the moment,
And pray for the rest.
Life no longer lives me,
And I begin to live.
Holding the hand
Of the one who has
My best friend.
May 1st, 2012 was an answer to many of prayers that I had prayed over the years. I had been told that God asnwers prayers in His time, not yours. I knew that, yet I was getting restless, depressed, and strating to feel as if my children would never live under the same roof as I. I had already missed so many birthdays, holidays, and first days of school. Today I got one of those days! It is the first day of school, and I got to do all the mom stuff to prapare them for today. Then came the moment I had been waiting for all these years; I put them on the bus. That may seem trivial to many, but for many this meant I had done my job, and now it was up to them to grow and learn. My three months of real parenting may not of affected them much on their schooling, because they are both very intellegent kids. I have to thank my sister for her part in that. She did a great job! Now it is my turn, and I know that I can do this beacuse I have strength through God. He got me here, and He believed that I was ready to be Mom again, and I will not let Him down. Nor will I let my family,friends, myself, and most importantly the kids down. It's may sound as if I am putting alot on myself, especially while being sick, and my disorder does make it challenging at times. Again from my faith I have been told that God never puts more on you that you can handle, and I keep with the motto I learned in NA "Just for Today". With those in mind I know that I will make it, I also know that......Love Never Fails.