Since my last blog in February, my life has changes around dramatically!! Shortly after my heartbreaking post about my " life was shattering", I found a Church that changed my life. Nothing really special about the church, just that it reintroduced to God. I knew that He had always been there for me, I just had to accept that I had too let go, and let Him handle my life. Since then my life has not been perfect by no means. I just found a new way of dealing with life. Prayer is a big part of my day. I find myself praying for all sorts of things, and people at all times. Also I had to learn how to forgive, and I don't just mean telling someone I forgive them. I mean really letting it go, and moving on with my life. I have to accept that I can't change anyone, their past, my past, or even what is going on around me. I just have to do what is right for me, and asking God to help me with the big decisions in life.
I have run into stumbling blocks. Just last month, I found myself hospitalized with pulmonary embolism at age 32. Having this diagnosis is scary at times, as well as stressful. I have many doctors visits, several trips to the ER, and lots of medication. I am determined to get past this. I have to!! I have three beautiful children that need me around. I could give up and throw in the towel, but what would the kids do. They need a mom around, not just for the day to day things, but to teach them life lessons.
We as parents have to teach our children how to become well rounded adults. They learn from us, they watch us, and they mimic us. I watch my son and step daughter, whom are the same age (4th grade), trying to become their own person. I also see them making decisions based on the adults they have in their lives. I wonder sometimes, if what I'm teaching them now...or not teaching them going to help them in the long run? I try to instill responsibility, good decision making, and being kind to others. I preach it over and over, but am I showing it to them? I think that is a big part of being a parent...practicing what you preach. So from this day forward I am going to put real effort into practicing what I preach, and being a good role model for my children.
I still carry negative feelings towards my exhusband. I can't let go and forgive him for all that has happened in the past. I try, and try, but it is so hard for me. I don't think that he gets how much he hurt me. I want to punish him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me, but I know that there is no possible way to do that. Sometimes I think, maybe he does know the pain he has caused, but I doubt that. There has now come a point in my life that I can no longer worry about what he has done to me, and worry about the two children that we gave life to.
There has been a disconnect between him and the kids for over 6yrs now, he hasn't seen them, except maybe in pictures. I'm not sure if he has talked to them,and I wonder is this fair to the kids. All kids need a father in their life, and if he is willing to stand up, take responsiblity, pay his dues, then he should be able to be apart of the kids lives. Now in my family, others may say different, but that is a story for a different day.
I believe that I can put aside all my hurt, anger, and bitterness so that my kids can have a chance with their dad. I just hope and pray that I am making the right decision, and that thier dad will do right by them, so they can have healthy relationships from this day forth. This process may be a slow one for all involved, a one day at a time kind of thing, but I think it can work. As long as we keep God in our hearts, and walk with faith "Love never fails."
I have always had this dream of becoming a writer one day. All my life I have written little things off and on. I guess it started when I was young, I write short stories, poems, and even long love letters to boyfriends. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself to others. Lately the itch to write something something more. That is one of the reasons I started this blog. I thought it may fullfill my need to write again, but instead it is only leaving me with the feeling that I could do more. That I have something inside of me that needs to come out. that I have this talent as a writer that I have never explored. I am thinking of writing a book. I know that a lot goes into writing a book, but I am a stay at home mom, and I have the time. I have lost focus of what my purpose in llife is, what I want in my life. I lost my original dream, like so many of us do. I want to follow that dream. I want to try to live my dream, and and it can't hurt to try. I will never know what will happen unless I try. So what I am saying to all of you out there is if you have a dream, go for it! Better late than never. Be true to your self, and you can't fail. Love your self and you can not fail.
Remember..."Love never fails."
My mom told me long ago, that one day I will come to her and say "Sorry" for how I behaved as a child. Personally have done that several times to all of my parents, I have come to realize that there is more to saying sorry. There come's a point in your life that you realize you can no longer blame your parents for all your issues and problems in life. We have to take owership, and realize that we messed up.
For many years I blamed my parents divorce, my mom not being around, for all my problems. As I got older, I hated all my parents, felt like they owed me something. All the while acting out, showing my ass, and doing what ever I could for attention, well into my 20's. It affectted peoples lives in so many ways, that I never knew. As most of you know I have straighted my life out. I have come to see everyone around me as regular people, even my parents, and have come realize why they made decisions they did, just as they know and understand why I did what I did. I have no reason to blame my parents or anyone else for my issues any longer. I Have let go of all that stuff to have a clear heart and clear mind to move forward in my life. Now it is my turn to be the parent. Have everything bamed on me, and repeat the cycle of life. I feel good about it. I am open and honest with my children, and always will be. So later on when they blame me for all of life hurts, they know i was honest with them, I kept no, secrets, and they know I always did the best for them. And I constantly remind them that God said , " Love never fails."