If you follow me often, you know that I have been a stay at home mom, but not due to choice. I got sick almost 2yrs ago, and have been off work for 8 months. I have been trying to get disability, and I am even to the point that I am waiting on my hearing. I just don't think my bills are going to wait much longer. It has seemed like every month something has kicked us down even further to take away from what little money we have. I am so tired of asking for help, being on government assitance, and putting all the burden on my boyfriend. He does alot for me, he works six days a week, and does his best to stay postive about our situation. But right now it is hard to stay positive any longer.
I am going to find work. I have too! To be honest, that is almost terrifing for me. I haven't had a seizure in a while, but I can no longer afford all my medications that keep me seizure free. I don't know how I will react to going back to work. I don't handle stress very well. I have a anxiety disorder that acts out in funny ways, and I am scared. But I have to do this. I just have to, for the family, for Mike, and for my kids. If not we may find ourselves, hungery, and homeless. Please say a prayer. I have to remember...."Love never fails."
Christmas in my family has always been a big deal, at least for me it is. It starts with the putting up of the Christmas decorations, to the day we put the ornaments on the tree. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one huge family celebration. My favorite parts were cooking together,playing games together,and the just spend time with each other part. I loved being part of a family. For me the holidays seem to make all other problems go away.
So this year, it is time for me to start my own things for my kids. This will be the first Christmas, and Thanksgiving we have spent together as a family with Mike and Harlee. I so excited about it, I am decorating everything on Monday and Tuesday...except the Christmas tree. The tree is saved for Bailey's birthday, just a few weeks before Christmas.
I previously wrote about finances were getting me down about Holiday time. Then my sister reminded me, it is not all about what the kids get for Christmas, it is about how they enjoy the time. I can't tell you now a single gift I recieved on a particular year, but I can tell you the traditions we had every year. That iswhat I want them to reflect on. So big thanks to my little sis, for reminding me that I don't have to go all out to make it a Christmas to remember. And remember Love Never Fails.
Picture: myself, sister, step brother when I was 13yrs old on Christmas morning. We got matching PJ's they even had the butt traps in them.
I have always loved this time of year, when the leaves turn, the weather starts to turn cooler, and all the holidays start to approach us. This year will be the first year I get to have mychildren with me for all of it. Taking my son trick-or -treating, planning out where to have Thanksgiving Dinner, and them my favorite part Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas. If I could do it today I would!! This year it is also bitter sweet. I get have everyone I want around me, but have no money do what I want. I have been fighting for my disiabilty since March, and have come to a point that we almost can not make it anymore. I an terrified to go back to work, I don't know if I can do it. At home, I am in a stress free environment, and I can do things at my own pace. So my seizures have been few and far between the last couple of months. But what if I go back to work, and they come back. Then I have strart this disability thing all over. If I don't go to work, I don't know how to pay for the bills , much less buy Christmas presents. You see, my boyfriends overtime at work, that he was gettting regularly, has been cut out along with some other finactial burdens we have occured. My chilren are use to a big almost over the top Christmas, and I have been trying to find a way to do something for them. There is a program through my local Salvation Army that I believe will help out. I just hope that I can find a job, that I can do before Christmas, so I can give them the the Christmas I have always wanted to do.
I know God will lead me cause...."Love never fails."
So over the last few weeks, my voice has been silent all over the world wide web. I believe by devine intervention. Just as things were heating up in my personal life and going chaotic, was told by many to stay off the computer, it was only adding fuel to the fire. My physical temptaions kept leading back to this addicting machine. then one morning my computer seemed to crash. It would not work for anything. I ran out of minutes on my prepaid cell phone, so no Facebook for me. I basically lost all my addicting technology, eccept my TV, and face it, there is nothing good on there anymore.
I have used the time to actually talk to people. Yes, the spoken word, and I was forced to listen, and think about was being said, and ingest it. I took the time to look inside myself, and ask those hard qusetions of my self. With all that time, and thinking and advice, I believe I came up with the right decisions for my life, my children, and everyone around me. For me all I want is happiness, love, and well being for all.
My suggestion to all is that when you are going through a rough time, turn off the technology, get away from it all. For me it was done for me. Then when I decided to forgive, make amends, and work through it peacefully like a miracle my computer started working again like nothing happened. So I want to say thank you to God for my little miracle of shutting down my technology. Remember God said "Love never fails."
I consider myself to be many things, a mom, a Christian, a daughter, a sister, aunt, granddaughter, homemaker, fiance, friend, and the list could go on forever. I am not perfect at anyof them. I make mistakes some times, we all do. The best I can do is repent, make amends, and try to rectify the situation in the best intrest for everyone involved. I lean on my Chrstianity a lot. I may not go to church, and belong to an organized religion, but that does not mean that I haven't read my Bible time and time again. That I don't pray and go to God for my troubles, and seek him out for all the answers. I also seek the councel of those who have more experience in life than I do. I ask for their wisdom, their support to get me through the rough times. I remember the teachings of the 12 step program that was taught to me in the Narcotics Anonymous program. I will never be perfect , someone will always find fault with me. On that day I will remind them that they are not perfect, everyone carries around baggage. There was one peerfect person who walked this earth, and that was Jesus Christ. I will stive to walk in His image until the day I die. I will always remember the words of God in 1 Corinthinthians 13:8 " Love never fails."
I wouldn't be the woman I am today, without every thing I have gone through in my past. I have become s stronger, better woman because of it. When kids at school made fun of me or called me names, I learned to build up tolerance of others. When I didn't have the coolest, name brand clothes, I learned to create my own style, and develope my own personality. Everytime I got dumped by a boyfriend, I learned what I liked and didn't like in a guy. When I took certain classes in school, I learned more about what I was good at in life, and what just wasn't my forte. When I married an abusive husband, I learned what a marraige was not supposed to be,and what love is not. When I chose to pick up that first drug, I learned what years of drug abuse can do to your life. When I place my children with my sister, I learned the heartbreak that only a mother can feel. When, I lost friends. I learned what it was like to be alone. When my family distanced themselves from me, I felt isolated. When I left My husband , I felt free. When I reunited with family, I felt loved again. When I put the drugs down, I felt liberated. When I met my boy friend of 5yrs now, I finally new true love. When I reuinted with my children, I felt whole. So it may take a bulldozer to tear you down, but each time you go through something hard, or painful,someone is throwing another brick, and you learn something from it. Don't let tose bricks go to waste. Use them, build your self up, get up from the gutter, use your strength, and build that foundation you need to have a sucessful life. And remember ....Love never fails!
Yesterday I spent the day in my own head, depresssed, filled with anxiety, and needing comfort. I didn't have the energy to do anything. All I could think about was my baby girl, and did I make the right decision for her. I have always been honest on here, so I will now. My daughter has been diagnosed with R.A.D.(reactive attachment disorder), this is a rare diagnosis for chidren. It also makes it hard to control your child, no type of dicipline works for them. She also has a mood disorder to go along with it. My boyfriend and I, consulted my family, and her therapist, and she had to be hospitalized for a little while. It broke my heart. The rest of the family knew and could see what what was going on, but as her mother I just couldn't tell myself that there was something wrong with my baby girl. There was one final episiod that made me see what everyone else saw. I am doing the best thing for my daughter. I have to do this now before she gets older and it is too late. I does break my heart, I don't want to see her hospitalized. I just wish that "Mommy could kiss it and make it better", but I can't do that this time. She has to do this work on her own. All I can do is love her, and we all know that.....Love Never Fails.
In the midst of a storm, I know what I need to do! There is a situation in my home that is very difficult for me to deal with right now. My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me the right answer. So as a mother I have to do the right thing for my child, as heart breaking as it may be. I still have great fears over the decision, but no one can predict the future. I have to let go, and let God. That is the only way anyone can be healed. I will take the steps today necessary to bring healing to my home, and to this situation. I have to do this as a mother. If I don't do this now, I would only be failing my child. A child to needs a mom to be mom right now, and not a friend. With the support of family we will take take of this, we will work together, and we will find the solutions that are needed. And if all else fails....Love Never Fails.
It seems like there a lot of hard decisions to made lately on every topic imaginable. Sometime it seems all too much for me. With tight finances, my illness, and my children deciding that they "hate" each other right now. I get overwhelmed easily. I am very greatfull that I have my boyfriend. He is able to pick up the slack for me when I am uncapable, on top of working six days a week to provide for us. He truely is a great man, and I love him very much.
But It me that I worry about. I feel like a burden most of the time, and feel useless to helping out this household. I know that is probably not true, but I can't help how I feel. I really want to work, but physically I am unable. And for I woman who used to work two jobs and clean house on the side; sitting in a house all day is hard for me. Infact it can be down right depressing. Last time I tried to work, I started having multiple seizures. My body just can't handle the stress. So I try to keep busy at home.
My boyfriend and I make all the home decisions together, although inside I feel like I shouldn't because I don't pay bills. We are a couple and should do this together. We always have, so we will continue to, no matter how hard it may be for me. What ever the situation may be I will always know that....Love Never Fails.