For years I have strugggled with my self esteem, and body image. In high school I was the tall skinny girl, no boobs, and messed up teeth. I was picked on and I hated how I looked and I would try to cover up. There was a short period of time after high school that I filled out a little, and I thought I looked good, but I based that on how many guys I could get. That's when my self esteem took an ugly turn, I married my ex-husband, and he beat what what confidence I had left out of me. Two children later I gained almost 100lbs. I struggle today with my self esteem. I don't look..I mean really look in the mirror at my self. I throw on what ever clothes that I can. Most days I don't even care if they match. Sexy, beautiful, confidant, even cute, aren't word I would use to describe myself. I have a hard time accepting compliments, and wish sometimes I would get one when I try. Really the only thing I like about myself is my hair, and most days I pull it up so no one see's how well I take care of it. That's because I'm ashamed of the few gray hairs I have.
I'm being honest about all of this because I'm not the only one who feels this way. There are lots of women who feel the exact same way. We laugh about being fat, make jokes at ourselves, others poke fun at us, and deep down inside we are crying. Sometimes we are crying out loud. I know I do!
I want to be the most beautiful woman for my boyfriend. I don't want to be afraid to wear lingerie. I don't want to be afraid to have my picture taken. I want to be able to wear the cute clothes. I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.
I want to be able to love myself again. "Love Never Fails"
Christmas in my family has always been a big deal, at least for me it is. It starts with the putting up of the Christmas decorations, to the day we put the ornaments on the tree. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one huge family celebration. My favorite parts were cooking together,playing games together,and the just spend time with each other part. I loved being part of a family. For me the holidays seem to make all other problems go away.
So this year, it is time for me to start my own things for my kids. This will be the first Christmas, and Thanksgiving we have spent together as a family with Mike and Harlee. I so excited about it, I am decorating everything on Monday and Tuesday...except the Christmas tree. The tree is saved for Bailey's birthday, just a few weeks before Christmas.
I previously wrote about finances were getting me down about Holiday time. Then my sister reminded me, it is not all about what the kids get for Christmas, it is about how they enjoy the time. I can't tell you now a single gift I recieved on a particular year, but I can tell you the traditions we had every year. That iswhat I want them to reflect on. So big thanks to my little sis, for reminding me that I don't have to go all out to make it a Christmas to remember. And remember Love Never Fails.
Picture: myself, sister, step brother when I was 13yrs old on Christmas morning. We got matching PJ's they even had the butt traps in them.
I consider myself to be many things, a mom, a Christian, a daughter, a sister, aunt, granddaughter, homemaker, fiance, friend, and the list could go on forever. I am not perfect at anyof them. I make mistakes some times, we all do. The best I can do is repent, make amends, and try to rectify the situation in the best intrest for everyone involved. I lean on my Chrstianity a lot. I may not go to church, and belong to an organized religion, but that does not mean that I haven't read my Bible time and time again. That I don't pray and go to God for my troubles, and seek him out for all the answers. I also seek the councel of those who have more experience in life than I do. I ask for their wisdom, their support to get me through the rough times. I remember the teachings of the 12 step program that was taught to me in the Narcotics Anonymous program. I will never be perfect , someone will always find fault with me. On that day I will remind them that they are not perfect, everyone carries around baggage. There was one peerfect person who walked this earth, and that was Jesus Christ. I will stive to walk in His image until the day I die. I will always remember the words of God in 1 Corinthinthians 13:8 " Love never fails."
There are some people in the world that are are trying to say that I am not a good mom. Matter of fact they think that when I am trying to what is best is really harming my child, enough so to charge me with neglect of my children. Thier sole purpose to gain custody of my kids bcause they think they could do better and don't see and don't want to see the issue the child has. I think is sad, really to put your own self before the welfare of the children. Why hurt a child that needs help, why enable a child that needs help, because they don't think that the mother who has finally come to grips that her child needs the help, is wrong. Maybe, I am trying everything I know. Maybe this is hard on me. Maybe they are being selfish, and they need to forgive themselves for their past mistakes and , and realize that this isn't their child that we are dealing with. This is my child, whom is very different. I will fight for my child, I will fight for what is the right thing for my child. They need to give me a chance. Work with me, not against me. I tried to do it their way, but a court battle, trying to put me in jail, and saying that I neglect my children is wrong. It is the wrong move for the kids, and everyone involed. I will prove that their. charges are completely unfounded. I am a strong woman. They will not beat me down. I fought for my children for 7yrs, and never gave up, and I will not give up this time.
Remember.......Love Never Fails!!!!
I love when I get phone calls from my mother. The one I got last night was a little different than others. She was a little emotional, and remanencant from the past. My mom's story and mom are a like in some ways. Only she never regained custody of my sister and I.
My mom has always told me to be a writer since I was young, so I want to dedicate this site and all my blogs to her. I also want this to be a forum for all women to share their stories with me, and the world. If you choose to do so, go to the contact page submit your story and I will repost your story or leave it in the comments area. I know that I am not the only woman out there whom is not a traditional mom. We don't talk about it out of shame, or embarassment. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all moms no matter the situation, and we all love our children deaply. Stand op and be proud of where you are today, and how much fighting it took to get you here. You are worth it and remember......Love Never Fails.
Welcome to my very first blog. The question was posed to me "why are you doing this?". I thought about it for a moment, and then answered: this a a forum for me to write what is on my mind, share what is like to not be a traditional mother, and when I feel down to find the positive, and hopefully maybe touch someone else with my story.
The last three months have been a time of transition for all of my family, not only the ones under my roof, but everyone. Some days are hard, and some days are easy. We have pushed each others buttons, we have laughed at each others jokes, and we have spent time getting to know who each other are. This summer has changed all of us forever. But I have to say it has been the best summer of my life! I have watched my two children who I barely knew three months ago, talk my head off and tell me everything, especially my daughter. My son dreams of being a football player, and can't wait till he can start playing in school.
Over all we have all learned alot about each other this summer. This week starts a new chapter in our new life when they go back to school, and I learn what is like to be a stay at home mom and "wife" as I call it. You see my boyfriend and I have lived together for 4 1/2 yrs now. But I wouldn't have gotten this far with out God, and the support of friends and family, so I must say thank you to them. Until next time......Love Never Fails!