My mom told me long ago, that one day I will come to her and say "Sorry" for how I behaved as a child. Personally have done that several times to all of my parents, I have come to realize that there is more to saying sorry. There come's a point in your life that you realize you can no longer blame your parents for all your issues and problems in life. We have to take owership, and realize that we messed up.
For many years I blamed my parents divorce, my mom not being around, for all my problems. As I got older, I hated all my parents, felt like they owed me something. All the while acting out, showing my ass, and doing what ever I could for attention, well into my 20's. It affectted peoples lives in so many ways, that I never knew.  As most of you know I have straighted my life out.  I have come to see everyone around me as regular people, even my parents, and have come realize why they made decisions they did, just as they know and understand why I did what I did. I have no reason to blame my parents or anyone else for my issues any longer. I Have let go of all that stuff to have a clear heart and clear mind to move forward in my life. Now it is my turn to be the parent. Have everything bamed on me, and repeat the cycle of life. I feel good about it. I am open and honest with my children, and always will be. So later on when they blame me for all of life hurts, they  know i was honest with them, I kept no, secrets, and they know I always did the best for them. And I constantly remind them that  God said , " Love never fails."

So over the last few weeks, my voice has been silent all over the world wide web. I believe by devine intervention. Just as things were heating up in my personal life and going chaotic, was told by many to stay off the computer, it was only adding fuel to the fire. My physical temptaions kept leading back to this addicting machine. then one morning my computer seemed to crash. It would not work for anything. I ran out of minutes on my prepaid cell phone, so no Facebook for me. I basically lost all my addicting technology, eccept my TV, and face it, there is nothing good on there anymore.
I have used the time to actually talk to people. Yes, the spoken word, and I was forced to listen, and think about was being said, and ingest it. I took the time to look inside myself, and ask those hard qusetions of my self. With all that time, and thinking and advice, I believe I came up with the right decisions for my life, my children, and everyone around me. For me all I want is happiness, love, and well being for all.
My suggestion to all is  that when you are going through a rough time, turn off the technology, get away from it all. For me it was done for me. Then when I decided to forgive, make amends, and work through it peacefully like a miracle my computer started working again like nothing happened.  So I want to say thank you to God for my little miracle of shutting down my technology. Remember God said  "Love never fails."

I consider myself to be many things, a mom, a Christian, a daughter, a sister, aunt, granddaughter, homemaker, fiance, friend, and the list could go on forever. I am not perfect at anyof them. I make mistakes some times, we all do. The best I can do is repent, make amends, and try to rectify the situation in the best intrest for everyone involved. I lean on my Chrstianity a lot. I may not go to church, and belong to an organized religion, but that does not mean that I haven't read my Bible time and time again. That I don't pray and go to God for my troubles, and seek him out for all the answers. I also seek the councel of those who have more experience in life than I do. I ask for their wisdom, their support to get me through the rough times. I remember the teachings of the 12 step program that was taught to me in the Narcotics Anonymous program. I will never be perfect , someone will always find fault with me. On that day I will remind them that they are not perfect, everyone carries around baggage. There was one peerfect person who walked this earth, and that was Jesus Christ. I will stive to walk in His image until the day I die. I will always remember the words of God in 1 Corinthinthians 13:8 " Love never fails."

There are some people in the world that are are trying to say that I am not a good mom. Matter of fact they think that when I am trying to what is best is really harming my child, enough so to charge me with neglect of my children. Thier sole purpose to  gain custody of my kids bcause they think they could do better and don't see and don't want to see the issue the child has. I think is sad, really to put your own self before the welfare of the children. Why hurt a child that needs help, why enable a child that needs help,  because they don't think that the mother who has finally come to grips that her child needs the help,  is wrong. Maybe, I am trying everything I know. Maybe this is hard on me. Maybe they are being selfish, and they need to forgive  themselves for their past mistakes and , and realize that this isn't their child that we are dealing with. This is my child, whom is very different.  I will fight for my child, I will fight for what is the right  thing for my child.  They need to give me a chance. Work with me, not against me. I tried to do it their way, but a court battle, trying to put me in jail,  and saying that I neglect my children is wrong. It is the wrong move for the kids, and everyone involed. I will prove that their. charges are completely unfounded. I am a strong woman. They will not beat me down. I fought for my children for 7yrs, and never gave up, and I will not give up this time.

Remember.......Love Never Fails!!!!

I wouldn't be the woman I am today, without every thing I have gone through in my past. I have become s stronger, better woman because of it. When kids at school made fun of me or called me names, I learned  to build up tolerance of others. When I didn't have the coolest, name brand clothes, I learned to create my own style, and develope my own personality. Everytime I got dumped by a boyfriend, I learned what I liked and didn't like in a guy. When I took certain classes in school, I learned more about what I was good at in life, and what just wasn't my forte. When I married an abusive husband, I learned what a marraige was not supposed to be,and what love is not. When I chose to pick up that first drug, I learned what years of drug abuse can do to your life. When I place my children with my sister, I learned the heartbreak that only a mother can feel. When, I lost friends. I learned what it was like to be alone. When my family distanced themselves from me, I felt  isolated. When I left My husband , I felt free. When I reunited with family, I felt loved again. When I put the drugs down, I felt liberated. When I met my boy friend of 5yrs now, I finally new true love. When I reuinted with my children, I felt whole.  So it may take a bulldozer to tear you down, but each time you go through something hard, or painful,someone is throwing another brick, and you learn something from it. Don't let tose bricks go to waste. Use them, build your self up, get up from the gutter, use your strength, and build that foundation  you need to have a sucessful life. And remember ....Love never fails!

Another part ofmy life I don't get into much is the physical violence that went on during my marraige to my childrens father. Evertime I hear the songs "Love the Way You Lie", by Eminem & Rhianna, I describes exactly what I went through. It describes, the cyle of abuse, and why it so hard for many woman to leave. I am just fortunate that I got away before my end was death. Many woman don't leave unless it is in a body bag, and that is a sad fact. We need to be talking about this more. We need to be in peoples bussiness more. If my neighbors had stepped in more, I may have gotten away before I did. If you are involved in a domestic violence situation...GET OUT NOW!!!

I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark
  and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands,
  they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your
  arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I
  never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never
  true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win

But I
  set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn
  while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When
  laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here,
  forever
You and me together, nothing is better

'Cause there's a side
  to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were
  never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I
set  fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn
while  I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set  fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt
somethin'  die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last
  time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be
  waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from
  looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched
  your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your
  name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the
  flames
Where I felt somethin' die
'Cause I knew that that was the last
  time, the last time, oh

Oh, no
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let
it burn

[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/set-fire-to-the-rain-lyrics.html ]

I have mostly been speaking to you about my present, today I want to share more of my past. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried to cure myself with sex and alcohol while in high school, as I got older ther was more sex, alcohol, and added drugs into the mix. What I have failed to mentioned was the numerous attemps at suicide. I have written thousands of suicide letters, thought about my death many, many times, and acted upon it dozens of times. Only twice did I end up in the hospital, so to my family and friends reading this most of this will come as a shock. Well all of my attempts have been overdoses. Pills are a dangerous weapon to me.  I can remember my earliest attempt being as early as 7th grade. My parents were divorced, I didn't have that great of a relationship with any of my parents, I didn't have that many friends, I was picked on constantly in school...and I didn't see the reason to go on. I walked into the bathroom, found a bottled of pills, and took all of them. I don't know what they were, whose they were, all I know is that I got sleepy. But I woke up the next morning! For awhile I saw that as a sighn that I was supoosed to live. There was a purpose for me, but that feeling would never last long. I would have attempted suicide many more times before I left high school.
After high school, I really got depressed. I felt like I had no purpose in life. This time my attemp at suicide may have worked if only my roommate hadn't of come home. I was rushed to the hospital where they saved my life. I was more depressed than ever. I bounced around from home to home for a while, then my answer was to marry the first guy that said he loved me. I did, three weeks after I met him. I don't know today if it was love, lust, or a way out. I just wanted a change, and thought he was it. Little did I know what was to come. I started getting high and stayed that way until 6 months later when, SURPRISE! I'm Pregnant!!! That is about the time he started to become abusive to me. I gave up on suicide atemptes for a while, I thought my purpose on earth was to change this man, and have a perfect family. He dragged me down, further and further until I felt worthless, and just didn't give shit anymore about myself, the kids, or anything. All I wanted to do was die. So I would do so many drugs that I would hope that the next one would be the final one. I wanted them to kill me. I was dissapointed to wake up in the morning.
During that time the kids did go to live with my sister, I was no good for them, their father was no good to them or me. They needed to be in a better home. Finally a day came when he was gone from my life and I felt freedom for the first time in my life.
But I had been drug down so far he still had this control over me. It was hard to let go, even after I met my current boyfriend. We had a rough start, on my 29th birthday we had a bad fight and I took a bunch of pills, and had to be hospitalized for three days. That was a turning point for me. I was forced into therapy.
In my thereapy, I have learned that I can not keep everything inlike I use to. It is good to talk to another human being. I rely on my therapy sessions now, to get things off my chest. I talk to my family, my boyfriend, I have become more open person about me, my past,and how I feel. If I don't share I will de on a downward spiral to nowhere quick. I have also found that writing gives me a great outlet to express who I am, and how I feel.
The pint of me sharing my story is so that if you feel the same way, or have been in the same situations, you can get help. Please go to my Educational Tools page or Help Services page to learn more or get phone numbers.

And reme

Since I have started this website/ blog I have shared a good amount about myself. I want to here from all the mom's out there. We all are important, we all have a story, and what I have come to discover in the past couple of weeks, is that we are all a New Kind of Mom. Every household in the word has a diferent dynamic. Dad's are "moms", Grandmother's are mom's, aunt's,uncles, there are people all over that are taking care of someone else's children. There are mom's who never had there children, but a few weeks out of the year. There are mom's with special needs kids, single mom's struggling. We all have a story. We are recoveriong addicts, victims of some kind of abuse, we have a mental illness, or a physicall illness. No matter wha ou have gone through, or are going through, share your story, tell your friends to tell their stories, so we can inspire each other. Help each other, and make our mark on the world. We are mom's! We are special! I am looking forward to hearing from you! And don't forget.....Love Never Fails!! 

Over the past weekend I had the chance to reconnect with my sister, brother, and my dad. We sat in my dad's kitchen talking, laughing, and remembering the old times when we were kids. It was really nice. I felt like all our past conflicts, and troubles had been put behind us, and we had the chance to start over fresh. I feel renewed after this wekend. My sister and I use to be best friends when we were kids, and this wekend we sat and talked ike we were again.It did my heart some good. I am proud of her and all of her accomplishments. She still after all is my little sister, it doesn't matter how old we get.  I do how ever worry about my brother, and his goals in life. He is 8 yrs younger than I am, but I have learned just to support them, not enable, and let him learn life's lessons. I havd to learn mine the hard way. I will just pray he doesn't do the same. I will be proud of him, no mtter what. He just needs to start making some decisions in life. Oh, and my dad, I love him very much! I grew up with my dad, and our relationship has finally grown into that adult parent/ child relationship,and it is very different. I like it though. I still have to come to him from time to time. But he is my dad, I guess I will,  always need him.  We are all going our seperate ways, but at the same time, coming closer together. And that is all because .....Love Never Fails.