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Yesterday I spent the day in my own head, depresssed, filled with anxiety, and needing comfort. I didn't have the energy to do anything. All I could think about was my baby girl, and did I make the right decision for her. I have always been honest on here, so I will now. My daughter has been diagnosed with R.A.D.(reactive attachment disorder), this is a rare diagnosis for chidren. It also makes it hard to control your child, no type of dicipline works for them. She also has a mood disorder to go along with it. My boyfriend and I, consulted my family, and her therapist, and she had to be hospitalized for a little while. It broke my heart. The rest of the family knew and could see what what was going on, but as her mother I just couldn't tell myself that there was something wrong with my baby girl. There was one final episiod that made me see what everyone else saw. I am doing the best thing for my daughter. I have to do this now before she gets older and it is too late. I does break my heart, I don't want to see her hospitalized. I just wish that "Mommy could kiss it and make it better", but I can't do that this time. She has to do this work on her own. All I can do is love her, and we all know that.....Love Never Fails.

 
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In the midst of a storm, I know what I need to do! There is a situation in my home that is very difficult for me to deal with right now. My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me the right answer. So as a mother I have to do the right thing for my child, as heart breaking as it may be. I still have great fears over the decision, but no one can predict the future. I have to let go, and let God. That is the only way anyone can be healed. I will take the steps today necessary to bring healing to my home, and to this situation. I have to do this as a mother. If I don't do this now, I would only be failing my child. A child to needs a mom to be mom right now, and not a friend. With the support of family we will take take of this, we will work together, and we will find the solutions that are needed. And if all else fails....Love Never Fails.

 
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I"ve always been told to learn from your past mistakes, and never repeat them. I figured that one out a long time ago. I have made horrible mistakes, with family, friends, my kids, and with my relationships.  In my heart of heart of hearts I know that I have changed, and that I can be trusted again. I, like most recovering  addicts we think that  we should be trusted automatically, not realizing that it takes time to rebuild that trust, and heal the hurt between friends and family. I have lost close friends, and it now hurts deeply that I can't repair those relationships. I want that old friend back, but somewhere along the way I hurt them so badly  they don't want any part of me. I have tried to make my amends, and that is all I can do, with the exception of keep on doing what I am doing now, and stay clean, and stay true to my self.  You may know the old saying: "when you go through hard times you find out who your true friends are", well for me I ended up with no friends. I have made new friends since, and have ran into the old ones,and each of them know me as a different person. I see these girls that have had a best friend since they were in the 3rd grade and it bothers me. I want that! I feel jealous, I feel angry at myself,and most of all I get sad. Since getting sick I realize how precious how life can be, and I just want to spend the rest od my life to the fullest the best I can, and for me I am still missing that one part of me. That true friend since childhood who knows everything about me, that I can talk to,  and because of my past, they may never be in my present or my future. But what I do know  is that ....Love Never Fails.

 
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It seems  like there a lot of hard decisions to made lately on every topic imaginable.  Sometime it seems all too much for me. With tight finances, my illness, and my children deciding that they "hate" each other right now. I get overwhelmed easily. I am very greatfull that I have my boyfriend. He is able to pick up the slack for me when I am uncapable, on top of working six days a week to provide for us. He truely is a great man, and I love him very much.
But It me that I worry about. I feel like a burden most of the time, and feel useless to helping out this household. I know that is probably not true, but I can't help how I feel. I really want to work, but physically I am unable. And for I woman who used to work two jobs and clean house on the side; sitting in a house all day is hard for me. Infact it can be down right depressing. Last time I tried to work, I started having multiple seizures. My body just can't handle the stress. So I try to keep busy at home.
My boyfriend and I make all the home decisions together, although inside I feel like I shouldn't because I don't pay bills. We are a couple and should do this together.  We always have, so we will continue to, no matter how hard it may be for me. What ever the situation may be I will always know that....Love Never Fails.

 
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 This is a poem that I wrote several years ago that I wanted to share.

Tornados swirl above,
 Carrying chaos,
 And mental abuse.
I ask for help,
                                                               Seeking refuge,
                                                                Sheltering myself,
                                                               With the love from above.
                                                                The winds die down.
                                                                 The storm ceases.
                                                                     Serenity enters my soul.
                                                                        I live  for the moment,
                                                                   And pray for the rest.
                                                                     Life no longer lives me,
                                                                   And I begin to live.
                                                                 Holding the hand
                                                                Of the one who has
                                                              Now become
                                                                My best friend.

                                                              written: 5-3-08

 
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"We aren't poor, we just aren't wealthy." These words were spoken from my daughter last night. It struck me  that she could see it that way, when I have been over burdened and stressed out about money. I worry that I am not doing the best for my children, that I can not give them everything that they were used to at my sisters. I have a much smaller home, they have to share a room, we can't go and do things, and there are times that I have had to wonder if we were going to make it through the week with what money we had. I have considered us poor. My boyfriend works six days a week to take care of us, for which, I am ever so greatfull. I can't work due to my seizuire disorder, and other health issues. The kids have felt the difference, my daughter even told me once that she "didn't know if she was ready for all of this", but since then she has embraced our situation, and tries to find ways to help. I habe been in worse situations, I have lived in run down motels, not knowing if I was going to have  roof over my head that night or a next meal, so I need to be more greatful and look at things from my daughters point of view. I have a roof over my head, food in the refridgerator, cable TV, internet, cars, and many other things that others do not.  So next time any of us stress about what is going on with our finances, look around you and see what you do have. Then do something for someone less fortunate. The kids and I donated clothes to a church that gives them away for free. That way the true homeless, and the truely poor can have some clothes. There are al kinds of things you can do for others and it will ultimately make you feel good about yourself. When all else fails....Love Never Fails. 

 
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May 1st, 2012 was an answer to many of prayers that I had prayed over the years. I had been told that God asnwers prayers in His time, not yours. I knew that, yet I was getting restless, depressed, and strating to feel as if my children would never live under the same roof as I. I had already missed so many birthdays, holidays, and first days of school. Today I got one of those days! It is the first day of school, and I got to do all the mom stuff to prapare them for today. Then came the moment I had been waiting for all these years; I put them on the bus. That may seem trivial to many, but for many this meant I had done my job, and now it was up to them to grow and learn. My three months of real parenting may not of affected them much on their schooling, because they are both very intellegent kids. I have to thank my sister for her part in that. She did a great job! Now it is my turn, and I know that I can do this beacuse I have strength through God. He got me here, and He believed that I was ready to be Mom again, and I will not let Him down.  Nor will I let my family,friends, myself, and most importantly the kids down. It's may sound as if I am putting alot on myself, especially while being sick, and my disorder does make it challenging at times. Again from my faith I have been told that God never puts more on you that you can handle, and I keep with the motto I learned in NA "Just for Today". With those in mind I know that I will make it, I also know that......Love Never Fails.

 
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As long as there is divorce,  families will be splitting up and going their seperate ways. Then somewhere along the way someone falls in love again, and a new family is formed, a new complicated family. I myself am a product a divorced parents, and of stepparents getting divorced from my parents. As a child I never saw the politics that came along with divorce. Yes, I knew there were complications, just never really saw the whole picture until now. Combining my children and their family, with my boyfriends daughter and her family, hasn't been as easy as we thought it to be. Everyone  involved seems to want what they want for the all the kids, and compromise sometimes seems difficult without hurting someone's feelings. I myself, am a people pleaser, I like it when everyone around me is happy, then I know I have done my job. Pleaseing everyone is getting harder and harder these days. It really bothers me the most when the kids are the ones who feelings are hurt, because after all the rest of us are adults and know what the parameters of the situation are, yet we still make promises that can't be fullfilled. Trying to combine two households into one is hard, I shed tears, so have the kids. Maybe there will never be exact instructions for this element of life, but what I do know is that..... Love Never Fails.

 
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For many centuries all siblings have had a rivalry with one another. Brothers picking on sisters, grossing them out, and tattling on them. Sisters are always trying to out do the other at what ever it is they are doing. My sister and I have been doing it for years. Even though I am the oldest I still feel the need to try and out do her some times. We no longer have that close best friend relationship we use to have, instead I feel we have a competion, and I don't like it at all.
Now watching my two children, they are doing the same thing, just at a much earlier age. Did my sister and I teach this to them?  Or is this different? I hate when they fight constantly, and tell each other that they wish they were an only child, and that they hate each other. I wish that they could see how precious  having each other is, and they are hurting a lifetime bond. Or am I going overboard here? Should I let them fight it out, and at the end of the day everything will be okay. I'm still so new to all this, that some times I just go blank. Afraid to ask for help, because I will feel like a failure as a parent, and afraid someone will take them away form me again. I wanrt to be a super mom, and have all the answers, and know how to do it all perfectly. I watch the "traditional moms" out there and feel like "WOW, they have got all together".  Or are they just like me, feeling there way through this, and have no clue either? I may not have the answers, but what I do know is....... Love Never Fails!

 
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I love when I get phone calls from my mother. The one I got last night was a little different than others. She was a little emotional, and remanencant from the past. My mom's story and mom are a like  in some ways. Only she never regained custody of my sister and I.
My mom has always told me to be a writer since I was young, so I want to dedicate this site and all my blogs to her. I also want this to be a forum for all women to share their stories with me, and the world. If you choose to do so, go to the contact page submit your story and I will repost your story or leave it in the comments area. I know that I am not the only woman out there whom is not a traditional mom. We don't talk about it out of shame, or embarassment. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all moms no matter the situation, and we all love our children deaply.  Stand op and be proud of where you are today, and how much fighting it took to get you here. You are worth it and remember......Love Never Fails.