I have mostly been speaking to you about my present, today I want to share more of my past. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried to cure myself with sex and alcohol while in high school, as I got older ther was more sex, alcohol, and added drugs into the mix. What I have failed to mentioned was the numerous attemps at suicide. I have written thousands of suicide letters, thought about my death many, many times, and acted upon it dozens of times. Only twice did I end up in the hospital, so to my family and friends reading this most of this will come as a shock. Well all of my attempts have been overdoses. Pills are a dangerous weapon to me.  I can remember my earliest attempt being as early as 7th grade. My parents were divorced, I didn't have that great of a relationship with any of my parents, I didn't have that many friends, I was picked on constantly in school...and I didn't see the reason to go on. I walked into the bathroom, found a bottled of pills, and took all of them. I don't know what they were, whose they were, all I know is that I got sleepy. But I woke up the next morning! For awhile I saw that as a sighn that I was supoosed to live. There was a purpose for me, but that feeling would never last long. I would have attempted suicide many more times before I left high school.
After high school, I really got depressed. I felt like I had no purpose in life. This time my attemp at suicide may have worked if only my roommate hadn't of come home. I was rushed to the hospital where they saved my life. I was more depressed than ever. I bounced around from home to home for a while, then my answer was to marry the first guy that said he loved me. I did, three weeks after I met him. I don't know today if it was love, lust, or a way out. I just wanted a change, and thought he was it. Little did I know what was to come. I started getting high and stayed that way until 6 months later when, SURPRISE! I'm Pregnant!!! That is about the time he started to become abusive to me. I gave up on suicide atemptes for a while, I thought my purpose on earth was to change this man, and have a perfect family. He dragged me down, further and further until I felt worthless, and just didn't give shit anymore about myself, the kids, or anything. All I wanted to do was die. So I would do so many drugs that I would hope that the next one would be the final one. I wanted them to kill me. I was dissapointed to wake up in the morning.
During that time the kids did go to live with my sister, I was no good for them, their father was no good to them or me. They needed to be in a better home. Finally a day came when he was gone from my life and I felt freedom for the first time in my life.
But I had been drug down so far he still had this control over me. It was hard to let go, even after I met my current boyfriend. We had a rough start, on my 29th birthday we had a bad fight and I took a bunch of pills, and had to be hospitalized for three days. That was a turning point for me. I was forced into therapy.
In my thereapy, I have learned that I can not keep everything inlike I use to. It is good to talk to another human being. I rely on my therapy sessions now, to get things off my chest. I talk to my family, my boyfriend, I have become more open person about me, my past,and how I feel. If I don't share I will de on a downward spiral to nowhere quick. I have also found that writing gives me a great outlet to express who I am, and how I feel.
The pint of me sharing my story is so that if you feel the same way, or have been in the same situations, you can get help. Please go to my Educational Tools page or Help Services page to learn more or get phone numbers.

And reme

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